So You Want Some Parenting Advice

Just because I have no children of my own doesn’t mean I can’t give you advice on how to raise yours. I know you didn’t ask for my opinion and you don’t even know me but as I passed you in Wal-Mart as you were ignoring your little angel as he was whacking passers-by with a wiffleball bat, I could just tell you could use my help. I know you have questions and if you can tear yourself away from your Camel lights and crystal meth for a couple minutes, I believe I can be of some assistance.

Should you have another one?
After having your nether regions ripped open like a bag of potato chips at a Super Bowl party, why in God’s name would you ask this question? Can’t you remember back to when you were 14? Or 16? Or 19? Jesus lady, how many kids do you have?

Anyway, children do make a fine tax deduction and their little hands are perfect for cleaning out your bong but they have absolutely no common sense and even less sympathy for anybody but themselves. Look at that little bundle of joy you’ve got right there. He’s probably plotting your demise right now to collect his inheritance and steal your stash. Just because little Timmy is 9 years old doesn’t mean he doesn’t know the value of a dollar. Watch out for that one.

While you’re at it, ask yourself if you can keep track of more just like him. No? There’s your answer

Should the child support go for the stuff for the kids?
Yes. But if you think about it, everything you buy is for them. Just because that new tramp stamp wasn’t actually tattooed directly to their lower backs doesn’t mean they don’t share in its value. They can take pride in a mother who can excite truckers solely with the aid of tequila and a target etched above her visible thong straps. They’ll grow up confident and secure with their own sexuality, maybe. Besides, why use that money for baby formula? Welfare takes care of that.

Public school or home school?
That first day of school can be hard on mother and child alike. Being away from your child for the first time can be heart wrenching but remember, you’re away from your child for the first time. Hooray! Up till now you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting that little bastard who killed your cat. You need some you-time and your kid needs to start wasting somebody else’s time – a county employee maybe. Let somebody who is getting paid slightly higher than minimum wage take responsibility for the upbringing of your kids from 8am to 2pm. You’ll finally be able to get your drink on without them throwing that lesson you tried to teach them about sharing back in your face.

Potty training. Yes or no?
Few things in this world are funnier than bodily fluids. Whether they’re liquid, solid, or gas, they were funny in 6th grade and they’re funny now. You’ve created your own bodily fluid machine. Why spoil it with “training” or even a diaper. Let your kid leak wherever he or she wants. The look on the social worker’s face will be priceless as she dries the side of her desk. Priceless!!

Relax
In the end, you’ll probably make a mistake here and there. Relax. Everybody mistakes gin for baby formula once in a while. I’m sure your baby will be out of intensive care real soon. It could’ve happened to anybody. Your children are resilient enough to bounce back from your parenting just like you did. I’m sure your parents made a mistake or two and look how you turned out.