So You Want Some Parenting Advice

Just because I have no children of my own doesn’t mean I can’t give you advice on how to raise yours. I know you didn’t ask for my opinion and you don’t even know me but as I passed you in Wal-Mart as you were ignoring your little angel as he was whacking passers-by with a wiffleball bat, I could just tell you could use my help. I know you have questions and if you can tear yourself away from your Camel lights and crystal meth for a couple minutes, I believe I can be of some assistance.

Should you have another one?
After having your nether regions ripped open like a bag of potato chips at a Super Bowl party, why in God’s name would you ask this question? Can’t you remember back to when you were 14? Or 16? Or 19? Jesus lady, how many kids do you have?

Anyway, children do make a fine tax deduction and their little hands are perfect for cleaning out your bong but they have absolutely no common sense and even less sympathy for anybody but themselves. Look at that little bundle of joy you’ve got right there. He’s probably plotting your demise right now to collect his inheritance and steal your stash. Just because little Timmy is 9 years old doesn’t mean he doesn’t know the value of a dollar. Watch out for that one.

While you’re at it, ask yourself if you can keep track of more just like him. No? There’s your answer

Should the child support go for the stuff for the kids?
Yes. But if you think about it, everything you buy is for them. Just because that new tramp stamp wasn’t actually tattooed directly to their lower backs doesn’t mean they don’t share in its value. They can take pride in a mother who can excite truckers solely with the aid of tequila and a target etched above her visible thong straps. They’ll grow up confident and secure with their own sexuality, maybe. Besides, why use that money for baby formula? Welfare takes care of that.

Public school or home school?
That first day of school can be hard on mother and child alike. Being away from your child for the first time can be heart wrenching but remember, you’re away from your child for the first time. Hooray! Up till now you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting that little bastard who killed your cat. You need some you-time and your kid needs to start wasting somebody else’s time – a county employee maybe. Let somebody who is getting paid slightly higher than minimum wage take responsibility for the upbringing of your kids from 8am to 2pm. You’ll finally be able to get your drink on without them throwing that lesson you tried to teach them about sharing back in your face.

Potty training. Yes or no?
Few things in this world are funnier than bodily fluids. Whether they’re liquid, solid, or gas, they were funny in 6th grade and they’re funny now. You’ve created your own bodily fluid machine. Why spoil it with “training” or even a diaper. Let your kid leak wherever he or she wants. The look on the social worker’s face will be priceless as she dries the side of her desk. Priceless!!

Relax
In the end, you’ll probably make a mistake here and there. Relax. Everybody mistakes gin for baby formula once in a while. I’m sure your baby will be out of intensive care real soon. It could’ve happened to anybody. Your children are resilient enough to bounce back from your parenting just like you did. I’m sure your parents made a mistake or two and look how you turned out.

Nanowrimo 2009

Well that's pretty much it.  Time to throw in the towel.  In order to win this soul sucking, time consuming, motivation destroying competition (is it really a competition?) I would have to write about 48000 words by Monday.  That's just not going to happen.

I could not get motivated or inspired this year.  It's pretty much the same song every year so I'm not all that surprised.  I had a decent first chapter -- or so I thought -- and then nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  It could be lack of preparation or just lack of talent.  The world may never know.

Nanowrimo 2009

I should be at around 20000 words by now.  I am currently sitting at 2619.  That's around 1/10th of where I should be.  Phew.  This writing stuff is kind of difficult.

Nanowrimo 2009

Participating in Nanowrimo again this year.  So far I'm just below 500 words and it's the first full weekend.  According to Chris Baty - the guru behind the whole endeavor - I should be at around 15000 words by now.

I have alot of catching up to do.

Nanowrimo 2009

Soon I will be embarking upon the time consuming, mind numbing, and soul sucking journey that is the annual Nanowrimo schlogg. If you haven’t heard of Nanowrimo –National Novel Writing Month – it’s a magical time that occurs every year in November when sun deprived “artistes” huddle around their laptops in dorm rooms, home offices, and Starbucks around the country and bang out the Great American Novel in jumbled sentences and mixed metaphors.

The point of Nanowrimo is to write a novel of 50,000 words in 30 days.  If you make that goal you win.  That’s an average of 1666.67 words per day.  Needless to say, I have never won.

But Nanowrimo is not a competition.  The only person against whom you compete is yourself and you are your worst enemy.  In fact, there haven’t actually been any prizes in the past.  This year they’ve introduced a soft bound copy of the winners’ novels.  That’ll be a wonderful keepsake complete with 15,000 “and”s in a row and a complete recitation of the Constitution – twice.

Move Your Butt!!

Why are tickets to watch your favorite major sports franchise so expensive?  Is it the greedy players demanding huge contracts or is it the greedy owners who give in and pay those contracts then turn around and raise ticket prices to finance their new star player?

No, sports fans, it’s you.  It’s your fault and the time has come for you to do something about it or get off the field.

You see, we live in a market economy.  Everything is priced to what the market will bear. Look at the housing market.  Lots of people bought houses so the prices went up.  Now that not so many people are on the market, the price for rancher has plummeted.  Look around, I’m not lying.  Watch the news, you’ll see.  Supply and demand,  it makes our economy run.

On topic, if people are willing to pay $75 for a bleacher seat to a preseason game, that’s what owners will charge.  If people are willing to shell out $10 for a beer and $5 for a tiny hot dog, that’s what the concession stand is going to make you pay.  The sports world is not immune from market forces; in fact, it lives and dies by them.  Just ask the Phoenix Coyotes.

You can’t blame the players for this situation.  They live in the same market economy as you and me.  They, or more accurately, their agents, know that the owners want to win.  To win, they need to have the best players.  To get the best players they will pay through the nose or their top draft pick will hold out for the entire season if need be.  The players have the supply and the owners have the demand.  The owners will pay and the players will take.  Would you do any different if you could get $18 million per year for five years when you were 22 years old? 

The owners are greedy.  That’s not much of a debate.  They’ll charge and charge and charge.  Look how much it costs just to see a preseason game that means nothing or how much it costs for parking a mile away from the stadium.  It’s ridiculous.  They charge these huge amounts because, just like the players, they know what the market will bear.  Currently the market bears huge amounts that sports fans do little more than bitch about.

So take responsibility for your own actions.  Either stop paying these huge amounts or shut the hell up and get out your wallet.  Stop going to the games.  Stop buying their merchandise.  Stop watching Monday Night Football.  Just stop. 

Sports fans have only one negotiating tool: their butts.  By refusing to put your butt in their seat, you can change the situation.  The owners, the payers, the networks, all of them will only understand that the power is finally out of their hands when you finally decide that your butt is not theirs. 

At Least Say Thank You, Rush

Rush Limbaugh should get on his knees, pucker up, close his eyes, and kiss President Obama’s ass.  By simply getting elected president, Barack Obama has single handedly revived Rush’s career. 

In the 90’s, when Rush got his radio and television shows, there was a Democrat in the White House.  Bill and Hillary’s failings and foibles provided the perfect foil against which Rush railed.  He wrote books, chaired Republican get togethers, and made millions.  People actually respected him.

When George Bush was elected in 2000, the Republicans brought Rush along to perform his dog and pony show in lock step with the administration.  He became a mouthpiece for an administration suffering declining popularity as its foreign and domestic agenda became less and less popular with the American people.  His ratings dropped and the only news he made was when he got caught chewing Oxycontin like they were Skittles. 

Then Obama entered the fray for president.  Rush tapped into, and created, the fear that his own constituency was feeling.  An outsider was running for President.  A Democrat.  A black guy.  For Christ sakes, the guy might not have even been born in this country.  Rush’s radio show was once again a hit now that he had another arch enemy. 

Come on, Rush.  Give credit where credit is due.  Send Obama a fruit basket or something to show your gratitude.